truth be told

after contemplating for so many years, i’ve come to find the courage to tell her. shes not the type to judge but we tend to misunderstand each other very often.

im only afraid not because that she might feel the same way, its because i’m afraid that she would misunderstand me. i do a lot of things for her out of my own will. i take her shopping, dinner, movies and other things that may suggest to other people that we’re dating. im just afraid that she might rethink everything that we’ve done together. i only do it because i care for her.

i only do it because it makes me happy seeing her happy. i don’t expect anything back. i’m just afraid that she wouldn’t want to associate with me after learning of my feelings.

i keep telling myself why i shouldn’t. but i guess its a case of “you don’t know if you don’t go”.

natural power.

there are those who you meet and find feelings for, and you voluntarily give it 110% and choose to fall in love.

then there is that one special person above them all, who you meet and don’t expect to find any feelings or give it anything. yet they’re more powerful than anyone else. that one person who just sucks you in entirely. even if they don’t have any intentions or desires, their personality just captivates you. they have the power to trigger your emotions without doing anything. everything just comes naturally. its almost as if she has complete control of my sub-consciousness.

my brain wants to stay friends with her, but my heart is falling in love.

just her

i love it when she does little noobish things. i saw her yesterday, going about our usual things, she says to me “i think theres something wrong with my car heater”. well im a car person and i would probably know whats up. she told me that her heater wasn’t working properly but she felt the heat coming out of the front of the windsreen. i just laughed at her and told her it was a switch.
when we got back to her car, i flipped the switch from windscreen defogger to blow out of the vents. we both laughed at herself. needless to say, i love her laughs. its probably the cutest thing in my life.

i have a thing for girls with a cute, bubbly personality that aren’t afraid of laughing at themselves or does noobish things. however she is just a whole new level. when she does these little noobish things, shes the cutest thing in the world.

i wouldn’t normally call her cute. to describe her, i’d say shes pretty, mesmerizing, elegant, classy, stylish, attractive. she looks like a girl out of glossy fashion mags like vogue or bazaar. it doesn’t happen often, but when she does something nooby, i can feel everything inside me melt. i just want to squeeze her tight and never let go.

surprising her

i love it when i can surprise her. giving her something that she doesn’t expect and watch that glow in her face shine bright. i wish i could capture that moment and keep it besides me. but moments like these aren’t supposed to be captured. they must remain sacred and only experienced in the moment and cherished as a memory.

and i can’t get enough of it.

the ultimatum

i tend to make choices and stick with them. my views are make a choice or decision and just go with it. don’t look back, don’t contemplate, don’t consider, just do it. because when you make a decision and you look back and think “what if?”. what if you didn’t do this? what if you chose that? what if you didn’t chose this? what would happen if you went the other way?

you end up chasing your tail going in circle and ending up no where.

i’ve been contemplating if i should tell her how i really feel for a few years now. i just can’t bear the thought of losing her overall.

im faced with either staying how we are or telling her my feelings and risk losing her.

running in a circle

i’m dying to tell her my feelings. i don’t know how to approach her to say it. i’ve told other girls that i liked them before so she won’t be the firs that i tell. but she is different. i just can’t bring myself to tell her.

almost every day, i rehearse in my head about the scenario, how to approach her and what to say. but i just can’t find myself doing it. sometimes i would get so close to telling her, something always stops me. sometimes i just happen to look in the wrong direction and see something i didn’t want to see. when that happens, i run. my emotions go all fucked up and i just don’t know what to do. i get confused and i just keep running.┬ábut in the end, im only running in a circle, because eventually we will get close again and every time i get close, i get hurt. it might be nothing to her but to me, words cannot explain.

i want to tell her how i feel. i just don’t know how to start it. she is also someone that is very special to me. i say special because i don’t know how else to describe it. bottom line, she is a friend. i wouldn’t say she’s a best friend because shes not, she is more. im happy with how things are between us at the moment. but i’m afraid of what might happen if i do tell her how i feel. she once said to me “i’m sorry, i only see you as a friend, if you can’t accept that then we can’t be friends”, after my ex talked shit to her (at that time it was, but she only assumed).

she isn’t the type to judge, but she keeps to her words and that is what i’m afraid of. what she said was chiseled into me, stone cold. it makes me reluctant to tell her my feelings. there’s no one else i can talk to about it and i can’t even talk to her about it even though i talk to her about my emotions and previous relationships.

worth lying for

i like to be as honest to her as i can be. the things i can lie about, i just can’t lie to her. its just in me to be as honest to her as i can be.

but there is one lie, that i would happily tell her over and over again without any regrets or feeling guilty.
the lie i tell her continuously is that i’m not busy when i am, tell her that im in the area and i can give her a lift home, tell her im out and that i’d be conveniently passing through and can give her a lift home, tell her that im bored and have nothing to do.

im not sorry that i lied. i don’t have any guilt at all that i did. i lie because i just want to see her, i’d drop everything where i can for her.

because ever second that i’m with her, it’s worth it.