star

when i’m around my friends, i feel happy. mucking around, insulting each other, saying or doing stupid things and over exaggerating every day life scenarios.

i would call that temporary happiness. it is temporary because it is only in that moment that i’m happy. it might not apply to everyone but it is how i feel. as a friendly rendezvous ends, i go back into that sense of loneliness. it’s something that i both love and hate. i love it because i am by myself, my mind is free without external judgement. i feel like i am the only one in this world and there are many things to explore. i also hate it because there’s no one in it, no one to remind me of who i am, no one to influence me, no one to share my emotions with or have the sense of belonging.

when shes around, i immediately go into an euphoric high. this feeling where i cannot describe, this feeling beyond happiness that cannot be described in words.

its been almost a decade and this high she gives me, is still the same from the day i met her. this euphoric high leaves traces behind as she leaves. at the end of the day when we part ways, it can either leave me in a state of euphoria, feeling the need to scream out a word that does not exist to express how happy i am, or in a state of uncertainty, not knowing if i should tell her how i feel when shes in my presence, let alone how i feel about her.

there are a fair few people in my life, family, casual frirends, close friends and then her, the one that stands out, the brightest star in the sky, the one that shadows others.

she is the brightest star in my universe.

unmatched.

i never felt this kind of happiness before with anyone or anything else. for 8 years, it has been that same feeling, that same high, that no one else has matched. it doesn’t matter who i’m with or what i’m doing, nothing else has ever come close to matching it.

the last time

i don’t remember when was the last time i saw her. it feels like a week ago but when i think of seven days in my head, i know it hasn’t been that long. sometimes i try to fight the addiction, the craving, the need for that one hit that gets me high but i can’t seem to resist it. when i don’t see her, i feel depressed, i feel out of place and i feel like nothing in this world matters. deep down inside, i just want to see her everyday, every hour and every second.

i saw her today. we did our usual stuff, eat, shop and talk. pretty usual, pretty standard like anyone else would do. needless to say, i got my hit, my cravings satisfied. the happiness she brings out in me every time i see her, no words can explain.

appreciating

she’s into fine foods. i asked her “what’s so special about this place?”, given it was about $2k to dine, i was just curious. i know fine dining are planned and prepared well in advance and the setting it was in, i just wanted to know if there was anything more to it than what it seems. she said “you don’t understand it, you don’t appreciate it”.

i’m afraid that she doesn’t see that i appreciate everything we do together. i’m not a type to show appreciation on the outside, and that’s just me, it’s not that i don’t want to, but i just don’t know how to. i look bored and uninterested but on the inside, i do see everything. things like saying “thanks” is a form of of appreciation, but words can only be spoken. my body language contradicts any form of verbal appreciation given.

i just wish she knows how i really feel inside. i just want her to see how much i appreciate her.

i took her to vue de monde and the dress she wore, i just wanted to tell her how beautiful she is and amazing she looked. i was mesmerized. i was infatuated. i was mentally disabled as if she had a spell put on me to stop me talking.

i may act like i don’t notice, but on the inside, i’m screaming out “you’re so beautiful”.

the things i hate about her.

there’s so many things i hate about her.

i hate her eyes when i look into them, because i’m mesmerized by them.
i hate her laugh, because it makes me melt and my emotions go all fucked up and squiggly.
i hate how she takes the things i say seriously, because most of the things that i do want to say, come out wrong.
i hate it how she would talk to me and i would ask a question about something she had already mentioned. she thinks im not paying attention, but as much attention i want to give her, i just can’t seem to focus because i’m getting high on her presence.
i hate it how she would seem grumpy when she meets me, it scares me to death :(
i hate it how she thinks she knows me, because she does and i feel like an open book.
i hate it how she would tell me to do something, because i’d do it without hesitation.
i hate it when she is in my dreams, because i wake up without her being in my life.
i hate it when she says she’s “out”, “busy” or “chilling”, because i’m a very curious person and it drives me fucking insane.
i hate it when my hands brush up against hers, because i want to hold them so bad.
i hate it when she walks in front of me, because i really want to surprise hug her from behind but i can’t.
i hate it when she walks slowly behind me, because i’m trying to play it cool and not walk like a stiff retard.

i hate that i love everything about her.

dormant feelings

after admitting to her best friend of my feelings, that girl and i started talking again, we hung out again and reconnected. i wanted to tell her how i really felt so bad, but i was afraid. every time i’d get so close to telling her, i’d back out because i didn’t have the confidence to.

this one time when i was so close to telling her, something happened and i felt so stupid. i just wanted to walk off a cliff. i ran (mentally).

shortly after i started talking to a different girl, without any intentions of dating her, i had found feelings for her. we dated for a few years. i gave it everything had and opened my heart to her and went all in. i had neglected my friends for her and just lost myself for her. long story short, i was hurt in the end and we broke up.

my ex knows this girl that i’m writing about, and even talked to her before. we had our fights and one time she said “you light up every time you talk about her”. i guess i did get this moment of high every time that girl was involved in the conversation.

after a few years of being somewhat disconnected, we (this special girl) started talking and hanging out again. i know that i had feelings for her, and they were very solid feelings. i thought i had got that past me and that it was no more. but hanging out with her for the first few times in years, i immediately get this high again, this happiness, this feeling that i know i don’t ever get for anyone else.

i guess from the day i met her about 8 years ago, i had feelings for her. my emotions were very active, and through the times where we went our separate ways,

my feelings for her were never gone, but laid dormant.